{Relay For Life}

My Dad and Vickie were in charge of a booth at the Relay For Life selling Hot Dogs and Hamburgers.  We went up to help and do a little walking.

I miss my mom!!!!  Cancer SUCKS!

{Mother's Day}

I had a really nice Mother's Day this year!  Dave spoiled me with a gift certificate to get a couple of pedicures and I snuck away on Saturday and bought me a few shirts.

We didn't have any big plans so we just headed up to the cemetery.  I always love the feeling I get when I visit my mom.  It is such a beautiful place.  And I have been told by a very credible source that when we see a humming bird it is my mom.  While I was standing there, a humming bird FLEW past my face...so close that I could feel the wind from the wings.  She is so close and I feel such comfort in that.

Instead of the typical flowers that will just die in a few days, I bought her an owl to keep her company.  She would have loved my obsession with owls and I am sure she would have fed into it quite a bit.

I hope my boys will learn that the cemetery isn't a boring place that they dread going to. 

 

Lynn called while we were driving up and asked what we were doing.  I told him we were almost at the cemetery and he said he would meet us there.

We sat and talked for a minute and decided to go to Lynn's and BBQ some hamburgers.  We had a really nice time hanging out with them and the cousins get a long so well!  They made a cute video.  I will see if Lynn can send it to me or put it on you tube.

 

After hanging out in Midway for a while we came home and just relaxed the rest of the night.  It was perfect.

 

My 5 pound baby is officially taller than me #stopgrowingup I am so blessed to be the mother of this boy that keeps us laughing, can do anything he sets his mind to and is so stubborn! (Wonder where he gets that). Love you McKay!❤

 

My sweet Garrett that still loves to give me hugs and kisses. #nevergetsold He keeps us on our toes, will tell you how it is whether you like it or not and you can hear him coming a mile away lol (wonder where he got that) love you Garrett ❤

 

and of course...this man that gave me these babies.  The love of my life that I could never live without!❤ #backoffheismine #idontdeservehim #bestfriend

 

{22 days of gratitude} {Day 2}

{Remembering my mom}

It has been 9 years today since you passed away.

I miss you!

 

A few years ago I posted the story of my mom from my point of view. You can find it here.

  The story of my mom

 

These videos were played at her funeral.  I will treasure them!

{Happy Birthday mom}

Happy Birthday Mom! It has been 9 years since you passed away and it still seems like yesterday. Today begins a week that I dread every year. Not a day goes by that I don't think about the nightmare we went through but this week I re live it. I thought it was suppose to get easier? It doesn't. I miss you every second of every day. I would give anything to have one more day with you.

I am angry. It isn't fair that I will never be able to have that "friendship" every mother and daughter get to have once the daughter grows out of her selfish stage and actually appreciates everything her mom did for her. I miss telling you good news and I miss you fixing things when they were not going so good for me.

I miss you with my kids. You loved them so much and they loved you even more. The bond you had with them was incredible.

I miss the parties you would have to celebrate a holiday, birthday or just because. I miss your cooking. I miss going the the house I grew up in and feeling at home whenever I was there.

I am still waiting to find out why we had to go through this and I know the answers won't come until I die. I can't wait to see you again. I know you are in heaven getting everything in order. You always had to have everything just right.

So until then just know that I love you with every fiber of my being and I will never forget the amazing mother that you were.

{Memorial Day}

The weather was pretty crappy this weekend so we didn't go anywhere.  Today we went to the cemetaries to put flowers down.  It was a beautiful day.  I was able to see my sister for a little bit which was nice!

{Mother's Day}

I had a pretty amazing Mother's Day.

Saturday we went up to Lynn's house, had dinner and went to the cemetary.  It is always fun when we can get together.  It is sad that Teressa isn't closer.

I am always full of emotions on Mother's day. I am so blessed to have 2 sweet boys in my life. They keep me going when I want to give up. I don't know what I would do without them.  But.....My heart also aches as I think about my mom a little bit more. I wish I could pick up the phone and call her or go give her a big hug. I miss her so much!

Sunday morning I was told to get dressed and wear comfortable shoes...(not flip flops) they know me well!  So I put on my tennis shoes and off we went for an adventure.   That would not have come out of their mouths last year. I love that i made the choice to be active and healthy!

We ended up going to a park to eat some lunch.  Dave made some yummy hamburgers

Then I was told we were going to go on a hike.  Up to the Y in Provo.  Crazy thing is, I lived in Provo my entire life and not once did I hike up to the Y.  I was so excited!

We made it!  It was a good hike!  I was dripping sweat.  Guess we shouldn't have gone in the middle of the day.  It felt good to get in some exercise other than running.

Then we decided to drive by my childhood home.  The front looks SO different.  They put up a fence and a million trees.  It looks stupid.  It is for sale and no one lives in it so we walked around.

Look what I found.  Our names and hand prints in the cement.  So cute!  It made me sad.  I want our lives back the way it use to be before my mom died. 

We headed home, grabbed some yummy ice cream at Cold Stone and watched a movie.  I made Dave watch the Vow with me.  One day of the year he can't say no to a chick flick :)
 
Thank you for an amazing day, Dave.  You are the best husband I could ever ask for and I fall in love with you more and more everyday.

{The story of my mom}

Kent posted this on facebook today.  Love it!

I've never written the story about my mom passing away. I wasn't blogging at the time, so I guess I should document it, although I will never forget it. It still seems like yesterday.


My mom had a horrible cough for years, sometimes I remember listening and wondering why it wouldn't go away.  She would go to the doctor and they would give her antibiotics and she always had cough drops and that numbing spray.  She would cough so hard that she would gag.  They finally decided to do more tests.

I remember getting the phone call.  It must have been a Saturday because I was home and Dave was at work.  My mom told me she had cancer. Stage 3 of 4 LUNG CANCER.  How do you get lung cancer when you never smoked in your life?  I was in shock.  I don't really remember what else she told me but I just remember hanging up and calling Dave...and crying.  I can't lose my mom!  He did all he could do to make me feel better and tell me that people survive cancer all the time.   Survival mode kicked in and that was all I could believe.  She WAS going to get better.

She started Chemo treatments just after Thanksgiving in 2002.  The chemo made her very sick and she didn't want a lot of phone calls so I set up a website to share with everyone and updated it regularly.  I would pay money to be able to find that website.  I'm sure it is long gone by now.

Whenever I talked to her she would say..."yeah it made me pretty sick but I am doing good."  She always made sure I thought she was doing good even though she wasn't.

My dad was by her side every step of the way.  He took care of her.  He was doing some projects around the house and in the basement.  He rigged a door bell so when she needed him she would just hit the button and he would know to come up stairs.  He cleaned the house even though he had no idea what he was doing and mixed every cleaner possible.  My mom's friend would come by the house with roses for everyday of treatment and she would laugh when she came in the house and it smelled like bleach.

She lost her hair...I think at one point she had my dad shave it.  I never saw her with a bald head.  She went and had an EXACT replica wig made to match her normal hair.  She always looked beautiful.

After a round of Chemo they said that the tumor shrunk considerably and her coughing had stopped. The next step would be radiation.  It didn't seem like radiation was a great idea.  It made her very weak and they ended up giving her steroids which made her very puffy.  She didn't even look like herself.

She was declared cancer free and to celebrate we planned a trip to Hawaii.  We were SO happy!  I just remember thinking...she beat the odds!  She is fine!  Now that I look back, she was never cancer free. We were all in denial.  I think the doctor told her to go spend time with your family, you don't have much time left.  But she would NEVER tell us that.  She didn't want everyone sad and fussing over her anymore than we already did.  All she needed was some oxygen during the flight and she would be great!

I pushed her around at the airport in a wheel chair to beanie baby shop while we waited for our flight.....I had NO idea that our lives were going to be turned upside down within a few days.

We arrived in Hawaii. She insisted on us taking pictures of her, that was not like her, she hated her picture taken.

She insisted on us pushing her out onto the beach in the wheel chair to watch the sunset on Waikiki.  Normally she would be embarrassed of that.

Shopping at the International Market and getting a fake tattoo on her wrist of palm trees.

Waking up the next morning on her birthday listening to her cough which was normal but that day it seemed a little harder.  When she couldn't even get out of bed the men put her in her wheelchair and carried her down a narrow staircase and took her to the local hospital.  This hospital wasn't equipped for someone in her condition so they transported her to a bigger hospital in Honolulu.  LIGHTS AND SIRENS full blast.  That only happens when there is an emergency but how was I still so clueless to her TRUE condition?

We spent the rest of our Hawaii trip driving from attraction to the hospital and trying to enjoy our vacation that again she insisted on us doing. "get out of here and go see Pearl Harbor" she said.

I figured they would give her some oxygen and she would be out in a few day.  I was wrong.  Our flight was leaving and she wasn't going to be on that flight with us. I remember thinking she would get better and just catch another flight.

She did catch another flight but it wasn't the flight I was expecting.  Her oxygen levels were not changing and they needed to get her home to her normal doctors. November 1, 2003 Lynn and my Dad stayed behind to be with her.  The Dr put a ventilator on her so she could be medically flown home.   Her vitals were very unstable. If she dies in the airplane flying over the ocean, they would have to turn around.

She arrived at the Provo airport on November 2, 2003 around 2:00am and they rushed her to the hospital.  All of us started to arrive at the hospital. She is still on the ventilator and for some reason I am sitting there waiting for them to take it out and for her to wake up.  

The doctors tell us she will not be able to come off of the vent.

We sit as a family in the ICU to make that horrible decision to turn the machines off and let her go. I remember someone making a joke and we laugh...I don't even know what the joke was but as I think about that moment I can't believe we were laughing.

I was numb. No tears, no fear...nothing.

One by one we go in and see her.  I remember holding her hand and talking to her.  I don't remember what I said.

My brother that stayed behind in Hawaii took a red eye to make it home. As soon as he arrives at the hospital my mom's coloring in her skin changes, it went from pink to grey and I realize she was just waiting for all of us to be there together.

The doctor gave each of us the choice to be in the room when we turn off the machines.  It was a difficult decision but I knew I would regret not being there and I had my family for support so I decided to go in.  My dad said a prayer and we surround her in her bed as they turn the machines off. She takes a few breaths and is gone.
Just. like. that.   The most peaceful feeling I have ever had in my life.  I don't regret one second of my decision to stay in that room.

The funeral home came and got her and we were all lost.  What do we do now?  I guess it was time to go home?

Dave and I stopped at Sizzler (my mom's favorite place to eat)  I think we both took no more than 2 bites of food and we were done.  Dave had left the kids at Jon and Leesa's house.  We went to pick them up.  I just sat on the couch, I was a zombie, everything around me felt like a dream.

We got home and I just melted in my bed never wanting to come out.  Still no tears!?!  Why couldn't I cry??

Funeral plans started and Teressa and I had the honor of dressing her in her temple clothes.  It was an honor.  We buried her in the beautiful Midway cemetery on November 7th.  So many people came to celebrate her life, she was truly loved by many.

The weather was sunny with a nice chill to the air.  The grandkids let go of balloons to send to her in heaven.  A small airplane flew by (the size of the medical airplane)....WOW. so crazy, it was like she was reminding us that she was still there!

A few weeks after her funeral it finally hit me and hit me hard. I sobbed in my husbands arms. Even my kids remember me crying uncontrollably...they were so young, how do they remember that?

I was angry!  it wasn't fair!  It wasn't fair that my mom got taken away from me and her grandkids.  Her grandkids were her LIFE and she was their life.  Dying from stupid LUNG cancer when she had never smoked in her life!

I had anger for a while.....so she came and visited me one night. I remember seeing her kneeling by my bed. She said she was at peace and happy. Not to be angry anymore. She said my dad was going to be ok, she was watching over him. Then she stands up and I watch as she leaves my bedroom. I wake Dave up and he is 100% sure she was there and he didn't even see her, he could just feel it. One of the most amazing moments of my life.  I am positive it wasn't a dream.

7 years and it still feels like yesterday.  I think of her daily, always good thoughts.  Not so much today, today is the day I mourn and think of everything that she is missing.

My kids and I were looking at scrapbooks last night.  They started talking about different things my mom did for them.  OH how thankful I am that they still have those memories of her, they were 3 years old and 5 years old when she passed away so I know that she made a HUGE impression on their life that they will never forget.

I love you mom.

{In remembrance}

Carolyn (Joan) Edwards Remund October 25, 1943 - November 2, 2003

Wow it has been 5 years since the death of my mom. Somedays it feels like yesterday.

Holidays and birthdays seem to be the worst. She always made a big deal about it and made sure the family got together regularly.

I still find myself wanting to call her when something exciting is happening because she would be so happy! Or when something stressful is going on she always had the answers.

She loved her grandkids more than life itself and she was so good at making each one of them feel special. My kids miss her dearly, especially McKay. She watched him every Wednesday while I worked, they had a very close bond and I miss that so much.

As tears roll down my checks while I write this I am grateful for having such a wonderful mom that loved us unconditionally even though we all had a part in giving her LOTS of grey hair! I know that she is in a happier place where she doesn't have any worries. She was a worrier! She is preparing for all of us to join her someday, I'm sure everything will be in order. She was also an organizer and planner!

I LOVE YOU!

{Awesome Gift}

This weekend my sister gave me the most amazing gift!! She handed me this ring. At first I thought, "wow, I haven't had a spoon ring since the 90's" Then she explained that she had taken one of my mom's spoons and had it turned into a ring!! SO AWESOME! I love it!

Thank you Teressa! I love you!

{Happy Birthday}

Happy Birthday Mom!!! I miss you so much and not a day goes by that I don't think about you.

{Honor my Mother Day October 25, 1943 - November 2, 2003}

Not a day goes by that I don't think of my mom.

Today

I will honor her life

Carolyn (Joan) Edwards Remund.

She passed away November 2, 2003 after a year long battle of Lung Cancer.

I am the baby of the family and my mom always had my back. All I had to do was scream and she would come running to my defence telling my brothers and sister to leave me alone (the scream was hardly ever legit)

Laying on her lap in church touching her hands and feeling her finger nails. She always made sure they were filed and painted.

I had a lot of time alone with her since I was the youngest. She would take me shopping and say "don't tell dad we bought this" (You know I had to have those $80.00 pair of Girbaud jeans, that was a lot of money for jeans back then) It made me feel so special!

She was such a simple woman. She never got rid of anything and would use it until it just could not be used one more second. Example: Her blow dryer and curlers. I think she bought those in 1960 and used them until the day she lost her hair to Chemo!
Or when she finally broke down and got an answering machine and caller ID, it was a changing day for her! HA HA

I'm sure I gave her a lot of grey hair as a teenager. When I was late coming home (which was every night) never fail she would be sitting in front of our big window on the couch waiting for me to walk through the door. If I was outside and she wanted me to come in she would flash the porch light.

She was a collector. Her home was full of nick nacks, dolls, and of course BEANIE BABIES!

At times when I thought she would be mad and disappointed in me the most, instead she would be sensitive and understanding and do anything and everything to help me.

Anything you needed she was just a phone call away. She would drop anything she was doing to talk or spend time with her kids. She would plan parties for every occasion whether it was birthdays, holidays, even a jazz or BYU game. When she cooked, it was always with love. She knew everyone's favorite food and would always make extra so she could send it home with you.
Her grandchildren made her so happy. She made a scrapbook of her grandkids and on the front it says "Grandchildren light up your life" every single one of them had a special place in her heart.

She would watch my kids every Wednesday while I worked, that was the highlight of their week (I like to think it was hers too). She fed them toast, jam, banana's and sometimes a little slice of ham for breakfast then for lunch they would ride in grandpas truck to see the Cougar (BYU Stadium), get happy meals and go see the trains at the train yard. After nap they would sometimes walk to the store for a treat or just help her around the house or water the flowers outside. They will always have cherished memories of her and for that I am so grateful.

I say to everyone, please treasure your mothers!!! You won't know how much you miss or need them until they are gone.

{Birthday Wishes}, {Surgery}

Happy birthday to my mom!! I love and miss you mom!!!!!!!

My dad had a much needed knee surgery today, he is doing well, they are going to keep him in the hospital for a few days to monitor the pain and help him walk around.