Kent posted this on facebook today. Love it!
I've never written the story about my mom passing away. I wasn't blogging at the time, so I guess I should document it, although I will never forget it. It still seems like yesterday.
My mom had a horrible cough for years, sometimes I remember listening and wondering why it wouldn't go away. She would go to the doctor and they would give her antibiotics and she always had cough drops and that numbing spray. She would cough so hard that she would gag. They finally decided to do more tests.
I remember getting the phone call. It must have been a Saturday because I was home and Dave was at work. My mom told me she had cancer. Stage 3 of 4 LUNG CANCER. How do you get lung cancer when you never smoked in your life? I was in shock. I don't really remember what else she told me but I just remember hanging up and calling Dave...and crying. I can't lose my mom! He did all he could do to make me feel better and tell me that people survive cancer all the time. Survival mode kicked in and that was all I could believe. She WAS going to get better.
She started Chemo treatments just after Thanksgiving in 2002. The chemo made her very sick and she didn't want a lot of phone calls so I set up a website to share with everyone and updated it regularly. I would pay money to be able to find that website. I'm sure it is long gone by now.
Whenever I talked to her she would say..."yeah it made me pretty sick but I am doing good." She always made sure I thought she was doing good even though she wasn't.
My dad was by her side every step of the way. He took care of her. He was doing some projects around the house and in the basement. He rigged a door bell so when she needed him she would just hit the button and he would know to come up stairs. He cleaned the house even though he had no idea what he was doing and mixed every cleaner possible. My mom's friend would come by the house with roses for everyday of treatment and she would laugh when she came in the house and it smelled like bleach.
She lost her hair...I think at one point she had my dad shave it. I never saw her with a bald head. She went and had an EXACT replica wig made to match her normal hair. She always looked beautiful.
After a round of Chemo they said that the tumor shrunk considerably and her coughing had stopped. The next step would be radiation. It didn't seem like radiation was a great idea. It made her very weak and they ended up giving her steroids which made her very puffy. She didn't even look like herself.
She was declared cancer free and to celebrate we planned a trip to Hawaii. We were SO happy! I just remember thinking...she beat the odds! She is fine! Now that I look back, she was never cancer free. We were all in denial. I think the doctor told her to go spend time with your family, you don't have much time left. But she would NEVER tell us that. She didn't want everyone sad and fussing over her anymore than we already did. All she needed was some oxygen during the flight and she would be great!
I pushed her around at the airport in a wheel chair to beanie baby shop while we waited for our flight.....I had NO idea that our lives were going to be turned upside down within a few days.
We arrived in Hawaii. She insisted on us taking pictures of her, that was not like her, she hated her picture taken.
She insisted on us pushing her out onto the beach in the wheel chair to watch the sunset on Waikiki. Normally she would be embarrassed of that.
Shopping at the International Market and getting a fake tattoo on her wrist of palm trees.
Waking up the next morning on her birthday listening to her cough which was normal but that day it seemed a little harder. When she couldn't even get out of bed the men put her in her wheelchair and carried her down a narrow staircase and took her to the local hospital. This hospital wasn't equipped for someone in her condition so they transported her to a bigger hospital in Honolulu. LIGHTS AND SIRENS full blast. That only happens when there is an emergency but how was I still so clueless to her TRUE condition?
We spent the rest of our Hawaii trip driving from attraction to the hospital and trying to enjoy our vacation that again she insisted on us doing. "get out of here and go see Pearl Harbor" she said.
I figured they would give her some oxygen and she would be out in a few day. I was wrong. Our flight was leaving and she wasn't going to be on that flight with us. I remember thinking she would get better and just catch another flight.
She did catch another flight but it wasn't the flight I was expecting. Her oxygen levels were not changing and they needed to get her home to her normal doctors. November 1, 2003 Lynn and my Dad stayed behind to be with her. The Dr put a ventilator on her so she could be medically flown home. Her vitals were very unstable. If she dies in the airplane flying over the ocean, they would have to turn around.
She arrived at the Provo airport on November 2, 2003 around 2:00am and they rushed her to the hospital. All of us started to arrive at the hospital. She is still on the ventilator and for some reason I am sitting there waiting for them to take it out and for her to wake up.
The doctors tell us she will not be able to come off of the vent.
We sit as a family in the ICU to make that horrible decision to turn the machines off and let her go. I remember someone making a joke and we laugh...I don't even know what the joke was but as I think about that moment I can't believe we were laughing.
I was numb. No tears, no fear...nothing.
One by one we go in and see her. I remember holding her hand and talking to her. I don't remember what I said.
My brother that stayed behind in Hawaii took a red eye to make it home. As soon as he arrives at the hospital my mom's coloring in her skin changes, it went from pink to grey and I realize she was just waiting for all of us to be there together.
The doctor gave each of us the choice to be in the room when we turn off the machines. It was a difficult decision but I knew I would regret not being there and I had my family for support so I decided to go in. My dad said a prayer and we surround her in her bed as they turn the machines off. She takes a few breaths and is gone.
Just. like. that. The most peaceful feeling I have ever had in my life. I don't regret one second of my decision to stay in that room.
The funeral home came and got her and we were all lost. What do we do now? I guess it was time to go home?
Dave and I stopped at Sizzler (my mom's favorite place to eat) I think we both took no more than 2 bites of food and we were done. Dave had left the kids at Jon and Leesa's house. We went to pick them up. I just sat on the couch, I was a zombie, everything around me felt like a dream.
We got home and I just melted in my bed never wanting to come out. Still no tears!?! Why couldn't I cry??
Funeral plans started and Teressa and I had the honor of dressing her in her temple clothes. It was an honor. We buried her in the beautiful Midway cemetery on November 7th. So many people came to celebrate her life, she was truly loved by many.
The weather was sunny with a nice chill to the air. The grandkids let go of balloons to send to her in heaven. A small airplane flew by (the size of the medical airplane)....WOW. so crazy, it was like she was reminding us that she was still there!
A few weeks after her funeral it finally hit me and hit me hard. I sobbed in my husbands arms. Even my kids remember me crying uncontrollably...they were so young, how do they remember that?
I was angry! it wasn't fair! It wasn't fair that my mom got taken away from me and her grandkids. Her grandkids were her LIFE and she was their life. Dying from stupid LUNG cancer when she had never smoked in her life!
I had anger for a while.....so she came and visited me one night. I remember seeing her kneeling by my bed. She said she was at peace and happy. Not to be angry anymore. She said my dad was going to be ok, she was watching over him. Then she stands up and I watch as she leaves my bedroom. I wake Dave up and he is 100% sure she was there and he didn't even see her, he could just feel it. One of the most amazing moments of my life. I am positive it wasn't a dream.
7 years and it still feels like yesterday. I think of her daily, always good thoughts. Not so much today, today is the day I mourn and think of everything that she is missing.
My kids and I were looking at scrapbooks last night. They started talking about different things my mom did for them. OH how thankful I am that they still have those memories of her, they were 3 years old and 5 years old when she passed away so I know that she made a HUGE impression on their life that they will never forget.
I love you mom.
I've never written the story about my mom passing away. I wasn't blogging at the time, so I guess I should document it, although I will never forget it. It still seems like yesterday.
My mom had a horrible cough for years, sometimes I remember listening and wondering why it wouldn't go away. She would go to the doctor and they would give her antibiotics and she always had cough drops and that numbing spray. She would cough so hard that she would gag. They finally decided to do more tests.
I remember getting the phone call. It must have been a Saturday because I was home and Dave was at work. My mom told me she had cancer. Stage 3 of 4 LUNG CANCER. How do you get lung cancer when you never smoked in your life? I was in shock. I don't really remember what else she told me but I just remember hanging up and calling Dave...and crying. I can't lose my mom! He did all he could do to make me feel better and tell me that people survive cancer all the time. Survival mode kicked in and that was all I could believe. She WAS going to get better.
She started Chemo treatments just after Thanksgiving in 2002. The chemo made her very sick and she didn't want a lot of phone calls so I set up a website to share with everyone and updated it regularly. I would pay money to be able to find that website. I'm sure it is long gone by now.
Whenever I talked to her she would say..."yeah it made me pretty sick but I am doing good." She always made sure I thought she was doing good even though she wasn't.
My dad was by her side every step of the way. He took care of her. He was doing some projects around the house and in the basement. He rigged a door bell so when she needed him she would just hit the button and he would know to come up stairs. He cleaned the house even though he had no idea what he was doing and mixed every cleaner possible. My mom's friend would come by the house with roses for everyday of treatment and she would laugh when she came in the house and it smelled like bleach.
She lost her hair...I think at one point she had my dad shave it. I never saw her with a bald head. She went and had an EXACT replica wig made to match her normal hair. She always looked beautiful.
After a round of Chemo they said that the tumor shrunk considerably and her coughing had stopped. The next step would be radiation. It didn't seem like radiation was a great idea. It made her very weak and they ended up giving her steroids which made her very puffy. She didn't even look like herself.
She was declared cancer free and to celebrate we planned a trip to Hawaii. We were SO happy! I just remember thinking...she beat the odds! She is fine! Now that I look back, she was never cancer free. We were all in denial. I think the doctor told her to go spend time with your family, you don't have much time left. But she would NEVER tell us that. She didn't want everyone sad and fussing over her anymore than we already did. All she needed was some oxygen during the flight and she would be great!
I pushed her around at the airport in a wheel chair to beanie baby shop while we waited for our flight.....I had NO idea that our lives were going to be turned upside down within a few days.
We arrived in Hawaii. She insisted on us taking pictures of her, that was not like her, she hated her picture taken.
She insisted on us pushing her out onto the beach in the wheel chair to watch the sunset on Waikiki. Normally she would be embarrassed of that.
Shopping at the International Market and getting a fake tattoo on her wrist of palm trees.
Waking up the next morning on her birthday listening to her cough which was normal but that day it seemed a little harder. When she couldn't even get out of bed the men put her in her wheelchair and carried her down a narrow staircase and took her to the local hospital. This hospital wasn't equipped for someone in her condition so they transported her to a bigger hospital in Honolulu. LIGHTS AND SIRENS full blast. That only happens when there is an emergency but how was I still so clueless to her TRUE condition?
We spent the rest of our Hawaii trip driving from attraction to the hospital and trying to enjoy our vacation that again she insisted on us doing. "get out of here and go see Pearl Harbor" she said.
I figured they would give her some oxygen and she would be out in a few day. I was wrong. Our flight was leaving and she wasn't going to be on that flight with us. I remember thinking she would get better and just catch another flight.
She did catch another flight but it wasn't the flight I was expecting. Her oxygen levels were not changing and they needed to get her home to her normal doctors. November 1, 2003 Lynn and my Dad stayed behind to be with her. The Dr put a ventilator on her so she could be medically flown home. Her vitals were very unstable. If she dies in the airplane flying over the ocean, they would have to turn around.
She arrived at the Provo airport on November 2, 2003 around 2:00am and they rushed her to the hospital. All of us started to arrive at the hospital. She is still on the ventilator and for some reason I am sitting there waiting for them to take it out and for her to wake up.
The doctors tell us she will not be able to come off of the vent.
We sit as a family in the ICU to make that horrible decision to turn the machines off and let her go. I remember someone making a joke and we laugh...I don't even know what the joke was but as I think about that moment I can't believe we were laughing.
I was numb. No tears, no fear...nothing.
One by one we go in and see her. I remember holding her hand and talking to her. I don't remember what I said.
My brother that stayed behind in Hawaii took a red eye to make it home. As soon as he arrives at the hospital my mom's coloring in her skin changes, it went from pink to grey and I realize she was just waiting for all of us to be there together.
The doctor gave each of us the choice to be in the room when we turn off the machines. It was a difficult decision but I knew I would regret not being there and I had my family for support so I decided to go in. My dad said a prayer and we surround her in her bed as they turn the machines off. She takes a few breaths and is gone.
Just. like. that. The most peaceful feeling I have ever had in my life. I don't regret one second of my decision to stay in that room.
The funeral home came and got her and we were all lost. What do we do now? I guess it was time to go home?
Dave and I stopped at Sizzler (my mom's favorite place to eat) I think we both took no more than 2 bites of food and we were done. Dave had left the kids at Jon and Leesa's house. We went to pick them up. I just sat on the couch, I was a zombie, everything around me felt like a dream.
We got home and I just melted in my bed never wanting to come out. Still no tears!?! Why couldn't I cry??
Funeral plans started and Teressa and I had the honor of dressing her in her temple clothes. It was an honor. We buried her in the beautiful Midway cemetery on November 7th. So many people came to celebrate her life, she was truly loved by many.
The weather was sunny with a nice chill to the air. The grandkids let go of balloons to send to her in heaven. A small airplane flew by (the size of the medical airplane)....WOW. so crazy, it was like she was reminding us that she was still there!
A few weeks after her funeral it finally hit me and hit me hard. I sobbed in my husbands arms. Even my kids remember me crying uncontrollably...they were so young, how do they remember that?
I was angry! it wasn't fair! It wasn't fair that my mom got taken away from me and her grandkids. Her grandkids were her LIFE and she was their life. Dying from stupid LUNG cancer when she had never smoked in her life!
I had anger for a while.....so she came and visited me one night. I remember seeing her kneeling by my bed. She said she was at peace and happy. Not to be angry anymore. She said my dad was going to be ok, she was watching over him. Then she stands up and I watch as she leaves my bedroom. I wake Dave up and he is 100% sure she was there and he didn't even see her, he could just feel it. One of the most amazing moments of my life. I am positive it wasn't a dream.
7 years and it still feels like yesterday. I think of her daily, always good thoughts. Not so much today, today is the day I mourn and think of everything that she is missing.
My kids and I were looking at scrapbooks last night. They started talking about different things my mom did for them. OH how thankful I am that they still have those memories of her, they were 3 years old and 5 years old when she passed away so I know that she made a HUGE impression on their life that they will never forget.
I love you mom.
6 comments:
Wow! Way to make me cry! I am glad you all had that trip together. What a blessing your kids have memories of her.Like I said on your post, I am sure she is smiling down on all of you and proud of the woman you are and the family you and Dave are raising! Thanks for sharing, hope you are ok today! HUGS!!!
Thanks so much for sharing that Amy. Writing it down can be such a release, although you are reliving those difficult moments. How wonderful for you to have those last precious moments with her.
WOW! I don't know what else to say except that I can't imagine losing my mom!
I'm sorry you had to go through that! I dread the day when something like that happens to me!
Thanks for sharing your story!
Such an AMAZING experience you had with your mom coming to you! you must be so SPECIAL to her she didn't want you hurting and needed to tell you herself! she's still with you and watching over you i know it! she's gone now and it's hard when we miss our love ones but you will be with her for eternity! i'm so glad you wrote about this! love you beefy!
Mims, All I can say is TEARS! Lots of sad tears for you because I know losing your mom is not easy. But also tears of comfort. Having the experience you had is amazing. Something that is only saved for the most special people. I am so glad we are friends. I am so glad you shared this on your blog. Loves to you today and everyday!
Your story is truly heartbreaking. When I was reading it I know exactly how you feel. I am truly sorry this had to happen to both of us and I know we will be able to see them again.
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